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As a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, mostly enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership that lasted four years, but I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I start seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners once more.

Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, frequently causing significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.

Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate different types of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; eventually you may find yourself more decisive and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you might meet someone who provides a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring your desires completely … and at another point you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and see the value of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based therapy professional focusing on addressing sexual disorders.